A feeling I can’t put my finger on

A feeling I can’t put my finger on. I wasn’t going to write anything today, but I’m sitting in bed (it’s 9:20pm) and I have a feeling that I can’t name; I can put my finger on exactly what it is. I know it feels uncomfortable and uneasy. It makes me feel a little scared / nervous / anxious. It also makes me feel a little sad. And I don’t like it. I’m going to let it sit with me for a bit while I write about the rest of my weekend and will come back to it at the end again.

Shame T had a rough-ish night again but not nearly as bad as Friday night. He definitely seems to be over the worst of it which is good. He’s asleep now but not settled 100%; he was sitting up a few moments ago and I just went in to give him his dummy and rub his back. Hope he has a good sleep tonight as he only slept 40 minutes today which was rough.

Was talking to Shaun this weekend about Jenna and if we really need her here 3 afternoon’s a week and for Tristan to be at school 3 mornings a week; I think it’s a bit much and I want to rather have T with me. What I might do is ask her to rather only come on a Monday & Thursday afternoon because then I can have more time with T and we can do things like adventure club or playdates at friends. I think I’ll see how it goes this week and then decide. I was just aware of missing Tristan this week but maybe that’s also because he went back to school so I’m just not used to him being away from me so much as we were together all the time in the holidays.

God I love my child; I am so blessed to be his mum and that I was able to make me way through, albeit assisted, my postnatal depression and come out the other side in a relatively short time. If you think about it, I was diagnosed in Feb and by early July my psychologist was happy enough with my progress that we’ve stopped regular sessions! That’s only 5 months which, in my book, seems excellent!

I guess every mom has wishes, regrets, etc and I guess many are also 2-fold. By this I mean I am glad I did things the way I did in regard to Tristan sleeping not only in his own bed but his own room from a very young age, but I must admit that sometimes I wish that he wanted to be in bed with me and snuggle with me when he sleeps. He’s already growing up so much and it makes me sad when these ‘stages’ come to an end. For example, we always used to cuddle while he drank his bottle, but in the last week he’s wanted to lie next to me on the bed and drink his bottle. I can then cuddle him for a few minutes before putting him in his cot so he can sleep. Some nights he even leans away from me towards his cot indicating he wants to be put in sooner than I’m ready.

Ok, so THAT feeling still seems to be lingering about, but it’s not so strong anymore. And quite honestly, that’s all I have to say on that! 🙂


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