I decided not to take the clomid again. I’m waiting for an appointment confirmation with my psychologist. My mental health & wellbeing is more important and this whole situation is driving me dilly.

But I’ve got real concerns about having a second baby and it appears I’m not alone. I did some googling last night while lying snuggled in bed next to Tristan and it seems really common that people have anxiety over having a second baby, but it’s also clearly documented (and it happens in real life every single minute of every single day) that these are valid thoughts but one doesn’t need to worry. I know I can also just look around me at all my friends & family who’ve had more than 1 child, they make it work. They can cope and it’s more than 100% fine.
But maybe, just maybe, they had some of these anxieties too but didn’t verbalise them. I know from PND that people don’t talk about their fears or anxieties, it’s considered a weakness. Well I’m not weak, I’m actually incredibly strong. I have suffered from & conquered depression & an anxiety disorder before, I’ve conquered PND. That shit’s hard, you’ve got to be a fighter to get through all that. And for that I am incredibly proud!

Ok, so what are my anxieties about having a second child?

• A PND relapse. This is very real & very likely, BUT I will be on meds and know what to look out for. Forewarned is forearmed.
• That total exhaustion, lack of structure, quiet time, evenings alone and having my body as my own. I have got very used to my full nights sleep. I function way better on 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. Is that selfish? I don’t think so, the lack of sleep contributed hugely to my PND I think. That lack of sleep is unavoidable, however we can get a night nurse a night or 2 a week to help me.
• Being able to leave the house with ease. Having 2 kids, especially when 1 is small, leaving the house comes with a whole bunch of planning. Nappies, change of clothes, dummies, pram, etc. Currently I can plop Tristan in his car seat and off we go. No nappies, etc. It’s quick and easy.
• Missing out on quality time with Tristan. He’s such an awesome kid, I absolutely love spending time with him (well 99% of the time) and he makes me laugh and I love seeing him grow and hearing all the things he learns about at school. With a new baby I won’t have that time or ability to dedicate all my time to him and that will be hard for him and me. Becoming a big brother is hard, he will suddenly have to do more things on his own, he’ll have to help me and do things for the baby so he’ll have to grow up and he’s still a little boy himself. But at the same time I know that becoming a big brother will be amazing for Tristan, I know he’ll love it (and hate it, but I think that’s normal).

I know I over think things, I know I like everything planned perfectly down to the last detail. I also know that this is not possible! But writing about it is my way of dealing with & processing it.

I’ll leave you with a link to this post, it’s written so beautifully and it really spoke to me.