No idea why but today I’m feeling really nostalgic about Tristan’s first few months. The definition of nostalgic / nostalgia is “a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past”. I also feel quite a lot of pity for the girl I was back then; I was seriously struggling with undiagnosed postnatal depression and I wish I had known right from the start so the joy of those first few months wasn’t so completely overshadowed by the depression.

I am sitting and looking through pics of Tristan, Shaun & I from those first few months and I realize that I do, without a shadow of doubt, want a second child. And I want one for a few reasons and some of these are:
– we clearly make beautiful babies so why deprive the world of such good looking people (hahahaha, how vain of me)
– Tristan would love to have a sibling
– I want to experience all this (excluding the horrid PND) again and be more present
– there’s no other experience in the world that will come close to having & holding & feeding & loving a child and I want that again
– I just know I want another child 🙂

And I would like to think I’ll do things differently such as I would be on PND meds right from the start, I will ask for help, I will accept help, I will leave the housework to spend time with my babies (including Tristan), I will try to embrace the hard bits because I now know that it lasts for such a short time in the greater scheme of things. If you think about it Tristan basically started sleeping through from around 11 months when he started to walk and yes he sometimes wakes early but it’s only 2,5 years (so far) and I’m still alive, he’s still alive and we muddle through it because he brings us such joy and he’s so cute that you forget about all the crap bits!

Something on a completely different tangent, I was reading someones blog and she writes so beautifully but she said something along the lines of “I write as if I’m talking to my best girlfriend so I hope it makes sense”. That’s what I try and do because I’m not a writer, I am just blogging about my life & feelings and I hope it comes across as conversational.

Oh yes, another thing… Shaun’s taking me to Bangkok for my birthday weekend! What? Yes, that’s right. We are flying to Bangkok for 5 nights over my birthday. We’re leaving Tristan at home with my folks and I know he’ll cope just fine but I worry about how I’m going to cope. It’s a long time away from him and we’re very far away but I need to focus on spending quality time with Shaun, sightseeing and eating delicious Thai food and enjoying traveling with Shaun. It’s something we both love and love doing together so I know we’ll have a great time!

Ok so back to the nostalgia but it’s hard to look back and feel this sense of pity for myself back then and how I wasn’t 100% present with Tristan in those first 14 months actually until I started receiving treatment and it’s hard. I have pics and video’s but I wasn’t loving life or him or much about that time and that’s sad and something I have to live with for the rest of my life. But I foresee us falling pregnant around July – October this year which means number 2 will be born between April & July 2019 which makes Tristan over 3 years which is what I wanted. And he loves little babies (I know it might be different with his own sibling) but I think he’ll be great and want to be part of it all.

Here’s just a few pics of us right at the start of our life as a family of 3!