On Sunday 3 April I got the message from my husband no mother ever wants to receive. It was a picture and a voice note in which I could only hear Grayson screaming & crying… he’d had a fall and, from Shaun’s suspicions, broken his leg!
Queue mom guilt because I wasn’t there. I was at a conference about a business opportunity (which I’m still not entirely sure is for me) and it was literally the first time I hadn’t been with them in I can’t remember how long.
Logically I knew it was no ones fault, accidents happen all the time. And Grayson is a daredevil; he is fearless and I have always known he was going to break something I just had never expected it to happen at this young age.
broken leg
Shaun had sent me a few pictures through the morning and both boys were having such fun; I even asked if he was wearing his helmet because safety first right? Clearly we should have invested in extra safety gear!
I left the conference in a hurry and made my way, as quickly as possible, to the St George’s Hospital. It was awful; they said I couldn’t go in because only 1 parent per child is allowed in. I was not accepting that and they eventually took me to the paediatric A&E where I found Shaun sitting with Grayson on his lap, whimpering! I literally felt my heart breaking. Breaking for what had happened, for myself for not being there and for what this all meant for our family over the coming weeks! I broke down again and then security informed us that 1 of us had to leave and take Tristan. I mean, I get the protocol but come on! So Shaun left with Tristan and I was left there with Grayson. This was not our first rodeo into the St George’s A&E; we’d been there a few months before so I knew that we were in for a long afternoon.
please hold
We went for X-rays where it was confirmed it was broken. Grayson basically didn’t stop crying (and whimpering) throughout the entire ordeal. I sobbed, more like ugly cried once he fell asleep (still occasionally whimpering) in my arms. I lost feeling in my arm, leg and my back ached but I accepted my pain in the hope it would ease some of his pain. If my leg would just break then, maybe his would be miraculously healed; it wasn’t fair!
Eventually, after a few hours and 2 sets of x-rays, a temporary plaster of paris cast was fitted. It was placed on the back half of his leg and was very heavy. We were released much later in the day and informed that we would be contacted by the fracture clinic and they would remove the heavy cast and he’d get a fibreglass cast. Another ordeal I was not looking forward to having to endure but was unavoidable.
let the games begin
At home things were tough. He was very sore, he hated being touched so we kept any movement to essentials only. For example he had to be back in nappies so that needed to be changed regularly. He wanted to poo on the potty but once we’d made him comfortable on the potty he didn’t want to be taken off. He’d sometimes sit there for close on 30 minutes before we had to just take him off to screams!
Nights were the hardest; being unable to move he’d cry out in pain and frustration every 2 hours. My heart broke a little more with each cry. The first few days were spent in his room; he didn’t want to come downstairs or get out of his bed. The days slowly passed and we made it through week 1 and the fibreglass cast being fitted in the middle of week 2. More x-rays, more waiting and we eventually emerged with a bright red cast!
frustration is real
Then the lashing out started. Grayson started screaming (blood curdling levels), kicking and trying to hit us. I totally understand it; he’s an independent active 2 year old and suddenly he can’t move. He can’t just do what he wants to do and he’s in pain. But this has cut me to the core; it feels like a personal attack on me. The fact that I’m exhausted and (still) dealing with the guilt that I wasn’t there magnifies the feelings that I’ve let him down. I stuffed up! I know it’s not true but as a mom I think separating those feelings is incredibly difficult.
the only way out is through
Today as I write this post we are on day 17 and he has started bum shuffling to move around a bit. He’s even wanted to try stand up a bit on his good leg and his smiles when he does this are like sunshine breaking through a storm cloud. He even managed to sit in the shower with a special waterproof cast protector and enjoy getting clean and playing with water.
I’ve tried doing activities with him; painting, drawing, play doh, puzzles and more but alas I’ve also realised that I can only do so much. I still have the house to run – meals to prepare, groceries to buy, washing to get done – so I’ve allowed as much screen time as he wants. He watches shows but also plays games on his iPad and he’s happy 90% of the time which means the rest of us are too. That’s become key; if Grayson is lashing out or screaming due to frustration it gets to all of us and we start snapping at each other so I’m keeping the peace.
that’s life
We have anywhere between another 2 – 4 weeks in the cast plus another 2 weeks before he’ll be brave enough to walk properly after the cast is removed. Some days are going to be better than others and that’s ok. So if you (or someone you know) find yourself in this situation one day then I wish to say the following:
- I understand 100%
- It’s super shit
- No one will be able to comprehend what you’re going through unless they’ve been through it before
- Do whatever you need to do to keep everyone as happy as possible; it’s not forever
- Accept that you can only do as much as you can and that is more than enough
Much love xxx