Boys on the beach

The emotions we experience through motherhood

My boysThere’s no handbook for the emotions we experience through motherhood. From one moment to the next the emotions we feel can change and a lot of the time can feel overwhelming. Constantly shifting between wanting your children to stay small but have your own time again is exhausting!

Tristan and Grayson are now 6 & 3 respectively; Tristan is independent (for the most part) while Grayson still needs me a lot. Tristan has outgrown all his “babyness”; he’s getting big teeth and there’s no “puppy fat” in sight. Whilst Grayson still has baby soft skin, dimples on his knuckles and age appropriate lisp just to name a few!


Memories in motherhoodI find myself sleeping next to Grayson (more often than I care to admit) and snuggling him whilst he sleeps. I guess I’m trying to hold onto that feeling of having your baby sleeping in your arms (is there any better feeling?). Touching his soft skin, smelling his skin and gentle breathe as we sleep nose to nose. I literally can’t get enough of him as I know each day he’s getting a little bigger and it’s all happening too fast!

Looking back now I see I lost this precious time with Tristan due to my PND and then, he was just 3,5 years old when Grayson came along and so, although he’d been sleeping with me a lot before Grayson was born, once G was here he stayed in his own bed. I had a newborn to attend to and Tristan seemed to grow up overnight!

hurry up and wait

Like all mums, I sometimes wish they were older, more independent. I’m human. But, also like all mums, I wish my boys wouldn’t grow so fast. I wish they were babies longer, have them fall asleep in my arms one more time, hear that giggle, blow raspberries until they can’t laugh anymore. I wish there was a way that I could ignore the outside world and just completely immerse myself in that time that is oh so fleeting.

But time waits for now man and I can’t pause time no matter how hard I try. And it’s only now, as the boys are getting older do I full understand how fleeting that baby stage is and how incredibly special it is.

Being sleep deprived, having leaky boobs, expressing milk, preparing meals, being a wife, mom, friend and daughter all at the same time made me wish for time to pass quicker so that I could have a few moments to myself. In hindsight, it flew by without me being able to catch my breath. That time is gone now and I’m so grateful I took a million pictures and videos.

A day doesn’t go by that I don’t catch myself getting frustrated with their neediness. But I’m hyper aware of this so remind myself that tomorrow they will both be a little older so to rather enjoy it because, soon enough, it will change and I will long for these days.

I’ve been reading a book called ‘The Gift of a Happy Mother‘ and I need to leave you with a passage from the book because it says all this so much more eloquently than I ever could… enjoy.

NOTE: You might need a box of tissues to read this…

They tell you that times flies and to enjoy it all you can, and yet in the midst of sleep deprivation, 3:00am feedings, and endless diapers, it feels like it will last forever. You wonder how time can possibly fly when one night drags on so very long.

Then, one morning you wake up to a running toddler who jumps in your bed and you wonder when she got so big. You chase her around all day until you’re utterly exhausted, longing for the rest that night should bring, but it still doesn’t come. Unless you’ve hit a jackpot, toddlers often interrupt your sleep. Still, though, when she throws those little arms around your neck, you wouldn’t trade it for all the rest in the world. You have a sense now that what they say is true. The days are long, but the years are short.

You blink, and he’s off to kindergarten. It hits you with a nauseating flutter that the baby days are forever gone and time seems to speed up now. You try to keep up. You do your best to soak it in, but you can’t get a good grasp for long enough. He’s growing too quickly now, constantly changing, slipping right through your fingers. You can’t remember the last time you carried him, when he last rode on your back as you played horsey in the living room, or the last time he climbed into your bed in the middle of the night, but you wish you remembered. You wish you had a picture of each of those moments to carry with you always.

Summers come and go. You know they are numbered, so you pack in as many memories as you can while the days are slower and the daylight lingers. You take lots of pictures on that family vacation, too many according to your kid, but you just have to capture that fleeting moment in time. Now it’s back to school, and life once again becomes a flurry of backpacks, science projects, and soccer practices and suddenly they’re finishing another grade. Another milestone is reached. Another closest outgrown.

Before you know it. you’re dropping him off at middle school. This boy that you held in the crook of your elbow stands nearly eye to eye with you now. As he walks away from your car, you think he looks too big to be yours. You whisper, Please let everyone be good to him. You know how hard middle school can be. And it is. But together, you find your way.

A few more Christmases come and go. Wrapping paper swallows the floor and you relish the laughter that fills your home. You snap more photos and resolve to make albums of every year. You ask someone, “Take one of me with her,” because you read an article about needing to be in the photos, too.

The first day of high school brings jitters for everyone, and you realize you’re in the homestretch now. You think it’s weird how you can still see her toddler face when you’re looking right at her at fourteen.

Before you can catch your breath, there are first dates and curfews, cars and proms. Is she ready? Have I done enough? Oh, but you are so, so proud of who she’s become, and you are filled with gratitude that she is your baby, no matter how old she gets. She is your baby.

His room is filled with boxes as he packs for college. You know he has to fly, but your nest looks so very bare. Suddenly he’s gone, and you stand there in that room as tears escape your eyes. How did it last so long but go by so quickly? You finally print all those photos and catalog your joy by date on sheets of scrapbook paper. Your home is neat and quiet. All that remains of childhood are the photos, memories, and trinkets left behind.

This is motherhood – the unbelievably long and unreasonably short span of loving and letting go. It’s the hardest and most wonderful thing you’ve done and you are forever changed by it all. Your child’s fingerprints will one day no longer be on your mirrors, but they’ll always be on your heart. Yes, time flies. Enjoy it all you can. Slow down. Catch a breath. Let the little things go. Hold him in your lap. Stay and play a little longer. Connect. Make memories. Great ones. Memories worth holding on to when they little hand you’re holding on to now is gone.




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